Words from Valerie: Fear
I am someone who is afraid of many things, mostly unnecessarily afraid. Like the dark, I hate the dark, and yes I sometimes think that someone is sleeping underneath my bed… freaks me the fuck out. Also small insects, like spiders, and moths. Yes moths terrify me. And when people ask me what I am afraid of, these things are usually the first to come to mind, the little things. The silly things. That was until now, because up until now I didn’t really understand the power of fear.
I think the one thing that is scarier than spiders and the dark is loss. Losing someone that you love, or the possibility thereof, is now probably the one thing I am most afraid of. And when I say loss I am not talking about death, I mean death is very serious and tragic, all in all it sucks but what also sucks big time is feeling like you are losing someone to the future. A future where they exist and you exist, just apart.
Another thing that is scary about losing someone that you love is the fact that it is like watching a tumor grow, suffocating the connection you once had. It could start with pride, the inability to communicate, the act of indifference, because when you are hurt it is much “cooler” to be indifferent than to actually admit you are hurting. And then slowly this fake indifference turns into real indifference and when you look at this person everyday it feels more like they are turning into a stranger and you have no idea how to get them back.
The fear of losing someone you love is the fear of losing a piece of yourself, because when you love someone you show them parts of you not everyone else has seen and they have added something in your life that wasn’t there before and maybe it was something that now you don’t want to live without.
But also another thing about fear is it brings out the gladiator in you, it makes you strong, and it makes you want to fight because love is worth fighting for. A friendship, a romance, your family. All these things are worth fighting for, and only when you are faced with losing these things do you realize how important they are to your life.
- By Valerie Amani
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Thinking
It’s 9am. I woke up at 6am, after drinking for about let’s say 6hours straight. When I say straight I mean that for 6hours of yesterday, I had a glass of intoxicants in my hand and was at least taking a sip every 5 minutes. Then I switched to a bottle of vino which I didn’t finish.
It’s 9am and I am drinking the v I had last night. 2 bottles in the fridge, 2 bottles that saved my life. Why did they save it? I didn’t drink them. Surprisingly I don’t have a hangover and neither do I have any “sick” feelings. Miracle.
I watched a movie this morning, at about 3am (but I passed out 1 second after pressing play because I was fucked). You’re probably wondering, ‘if you were that crank, how did you manage to wake up 3 hours after you passed the fuck out???’ truth is, I was woken up by a “poo dropping” noise. Like when someone takes a heavy shit and it just goes “plooop!Ploop!!Ploop!!” and I was like “what the fucking fuck??!!!”
So I wake up. I passed out in the lounge by the way, and then I decide not to move incase there’s a burglar taking a shit in the house. I open my eyes and peek from under the duvet, in my dark corner where I was sure that this “shitter” couldn’t see me and murder me whilst wiping his ass. So I look and I see my friend chunder on the floor and then chunder in the toilet again.
Thank you Jesus, no shitting-thief bru. I’m gonna live. He continues to chunder (he drank a bottle of vodka more than than me and my cheap wine) and then I hear a wiping noise. “whoosh, whoosh” is what I hear. ‘thank God, he’s obviously wiping the floor. I can hear that. I know that. too many of my friends get fucked and chunder. I know the EXACT sound of “cleaning up your organs”.
I lay still and didn’t notify him that I was awake the whole time. “Its 6am. how the fuck do you wake up and chunder???” is what I wanted to ask. But I thought that I’d let him have his moment. let him look like an absolutely defeated man and know that no one watched him. No one would judge him. Because I love him, because I want him to stay happy. To think it’s a secret.
Things about me
There are things about me that I’d like to change but I really couldn’t be bothered with the effort of trying to change them and then becoming accustomed to that change. For example: two years ago I used to drag my feet, and for two years after that moment in which I realised I drag my feet too much, it took me two years to learn to not drag them. You could say I’m lazy or you could say I have bigger things to worry about than the shuffling noise my feet make as I walk through a silent room full of people.
Recently a friend of mine commented on how bad my posture is. I acknowledged that she was right and that I ought to do something about it. That was 4 months ago. My posture is so bad you could staple my shoulders to my chest and call me Kwazimodo.
My nail biting hasn’t stopped either, however it has improved in the last 23years. That’s where my addiction to nail polish stems from: trying to fight off the urge to bite.
Story of my life.
Fuck That
Can you really hate on bloggers when they find your images on Google without a reference????????
Bitter & In-denial
This song made me realize how happily bitter I've been because I felt it justified. Strangely enough I got irritated and agitated each time I tried to justify my bitterness and failed to because in comparison to what my savior did for me – I have no right to be. Thus I can’t allow myself to be bitter because I have come to know and live through grace.
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Back in 5 Minutes: Typography and Illustration Exhibition
Two weeks ago I got to attend an art exhibition at Salon 91 in Cape Town, titled Back in 5 Minutes. I’m a fan of art but never do I really go out to exhibitions, but I found this one particularly interesting because it was an exhibition of typography and illustrations. I got to spend a few minutes with 29 year old gallery owner Monique du Preez and discuss what inspired such an exhibition as well as her views on various types of art.
The exhibition comprised of illustrations and artwork by Ben Johnston, Clement de Bruin, Justin Southey and Clinton Campbell, and it was Johnston who proposed the idea for the exhibition to Monique du Preez.
What inspired the Back in 5 Minutes exhibition?
When I opened the gallery there was a lack of spaces in Cape Town showing illustrations and design work and I believe that there shouldn’t be a huge distinction with different types of art. I’ve worked with illustrators and designers before, and the inspiration was from visualising different art works and how they speak together. The combination of artists for the exhibition came about because of the contrast and different elements each of them could bring in their work.
Were the artists exhibiting their previous work or did they have to create pieces specially for the exhibition?
All the artists had to create the pieces specifically for the show. In some cases where pieces were bought by people who attended the exhibition, then old art work was brought in to fill the empty spaces.
How has the exhibition influenced the public’s flow into the gallery?
Local visitors and buyers are increasing in numbers and there’s growing support from art lovers. We exhibit different art forms every 3 weeks, and I find that the same foreign visitors come back years/months later to check out what’s new and happening in the gallery.
What inspired you to exhibit typography and illustrations specifically?
I’ve done a few shows based on design and never one based purely on typography. I plan the shows a year in advance and this particular one happened to coincide with Design Indaba. The next exhibition will involve cut outs and shapes. Different exhibitions are inspired by whether people can fit it into their lives and when the work can be produced by, based on the time and the theme.
How did you come up with the display and layout of the art in the gallery?
I decided that each wall should have a general colour trend. I prefer cluster illustrations and arrangements.
How do you feel about the exhibition?
Each show is different and the success of each show is measured by different things. I used to work with design and I’ve seen multiple people checking the exhibition out. Every design school in Cape Town has visited to see the show and a lot of articles have been written about it, including the composition in the art work.
And there you have it. Words from a gallery owner on one of her most talked about exhibitions this year. Make sure you check out Salon 91 for their upcoming shows.
Images via itswhatiminto.com.
Those 3 Daunting Words..
In the last few days I’ve been asking my friends if saying “I love you” to someone you’re dating has a time period. For example, you’ve been dating for 3 months but you feel as though you love the person you’re with but are unsure if you ought to tell them because of how little time you’ve been together. See the thing is, when you say to someone “I love you”, this isn’t for their benefit but your own. People fear expressing that they’ve reached that point in a relationship because they are afraid that their partner won’t say “I love you too”. Is that love really, when you say those words to someone and expect them to say them back, even though you know they really care about you despite not saying it? I don’t believe so.
I want to know, when is the right time to say those words? My one friend said that love has no time requirement. You can’t give yourself a time after which you can say those words to someone. The problem with this though is that sometimes saying “I love you” too soon in a relationship can sometimes scare the shit out of your partner and you watch them slowly distance themselves and then come back. Of course this varies between people. I also want to know, when you THINK that you love someone, do you really? Sometimes people sit and ask themselves if they’re in love with someone, but are unsure. Love builds courage, so in my opinion, yes, you do love them. The fact that you sometimes have to ask yourself if you love someone is not necessarily a bad thing. Questioning your feelings and being unsure of them is sometimes the step towards accepting that they are the way you think they are. So, when is the right time to say “I love you”? Or is there a time really?
